March 10, 2021: A numbing silence saturated my house. Even the whimpering sounds of people who were present there were inaudible. What I could hear though were the voices inside my head questioning the why, how and what of the scene. My father had died and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Sudden, unexpected and immensely painful— his demise was a hard blow on me. I was not ready for it, neither was my family. My husband Joel refused to take in the fact that Pappa was no more.
The night before the funeral after close friends and relatives left the house, Joel laid his hands on Pappa; he wept and prayed all night. He believed that God would take this cup of suffering from us; he was so confident that God would raise Pappa from the dead. As for me, my soul was crushed to the point of death that I could only say this one prayer—“Let my faith not be shaken, God!” Joel did not let my grief stop him from being on his knees and praying. At 4:45 am, he walked into my bedroom and he said, “I am so sorry Sandy but I think Pappa needs to rest!” The pain felt so real at that point. It wasn’t raining that day but I felt drenched in my own tears. It felt like an earthquake hit my foundation of faith. Yes, my father’s death shook me but God, in His mercy, did not let it break me. However, it made me revisit some of the questions that I asked in my early adulthood years:
Does God understand what it means to be me?
Does God really understand human pain and suffering in its intensity?
Can we follow Jesus’ example even in our distress and heartbreak?
Surely, these are questions that most people might have asked. But, how many of us have sought answers? I believe that we are all on a journey and it is okay to ask for directions while we are at it. Despite being born and bred in a pastor’s family for 36 years, it was only in the last couple of months that I truly understood the real essence of God’s compassion. My father’s death did raise questions in my head—Why now? Why suddenly? —but it also marked the start of a new season where I found solace in God’s love. And this season unveiled the fact that Jesus empathises with our emotions because He went through it first.
(My rendition of Mark 14: 32-35)
AD 33: The night was dark, and the atmosphere, grim. Peter, James and John cluelessly followed Jesus in silence across the Kidron Valley—the path that led to the garden of Gethsemane. “Sit here while I pray,” Jesus said in a tone of distress. The knowledge of what was to come had sucked the joy out of Him. “My soul is crushed to the point of death,” He said after taking a few steps forward. “Stay here and watch!”
He felt like His feet was chained to a boulder. The pain was real, His heart, troubled—so much that He sweat drops of blood. Jesus walked a little farther and He fell on the ground. “Abba, Father,” He cried out, “everything is possible for you. Please take this cup of suffering away from me.” Jesus knew that His Father is sovereign and so are His plans, but the part where He is fully human weighed Him down. However, being fully God, Jesus added this statement to His prayer—“Yet, I want Your will to be done, not mine!”
My family had our garden of Gethsemane moment when Pappa passed away. While we kept on fervently praying the first part of Jesus’ prayer to take the cup of suffering from us, we shuddered in the second bit. However, this wasn’t my first Gethsemane moment, Joel and I had one eight years back when our baby boy Judah was conceived. It was after a couple of miscarriages that I was with Judah, and we were ecstatic. But, before we could fully celebrate, we got the news from the doctor at 14 weeks that the baby was diagnosed with spina bifida and that he has a high risk for down syndrome. We were so troubled at that point. We wanted to honour God by keeping the baby so abortion was out of the question. However, we both fervently prayed that God would heal the baby. Neither did we want the suffering nor did we want it for our child. We knelt down, cried out and kept declaring His promises over the baby while he was in my womb. While we were relentlessly praying for a miracle, we were also ready to accept however God gives us the baby. I could feel the power of God in me every time we prayed and, true to His word, the Lord heard our prayers and blessed us with a healthy baby. This testimony was the reason for Joel’s confidence in God when He cried out and prayed for Pappa to be raised up. He had witnessed God’s power so tangibly in his life that he believed in a miracle in his second Gethsemane moment as well. The ending was different this time but we as a family learned to pray the second bit of Jesus’ prayer—“Your will be done, God, not ours!
One thing that we need to understand is that—suffering is a never-ending process. When one gets over, the next comes calling. It happens because we are human NOT because we are cursed. It is for this reason that Jesus became fully human—to suffer and to die.
Hebrews 2: 14-15
14Because God’s children are human beings—made of flesh and blood—the Son also became flesh and blood. For only as a human being could He die, and only by dying could He break the power of the devil, who had the power of death.
15 Only in this way could He set free all who have lived their lives as slaves to the fear of dying.
Isn’t it amazing how Jesus had to be me to set me free? —which means, He, being fully human, went through all the humanly emotions. So, that answers all the questions I have asked in this article. He knows what it feels to be me because He has been me. He understands my pain in all its intensity because He already went through all that I have and will go through in my life. And, Yes, Jesus is the example to follow even in our times of distress and heartbreak because He lived a perfect life despite being fully human. Jesus has already gone through all the seasons of my life; He has not only seen it but also felt it first hand—my hurts, loneliness, fears, grief, pain and joy. You may be in a season of suffering but I urge you to hold onto to God and trust His sovereign plan. Remember, seasons change, but He doesn’t.
Consider this
Here are my takeaways from the Garden of Gethsemane:
Pals: Jesus took His closest friends to the garden to pray—Peter, James and John. Yes, they might have not stayed up and prayed but they went with Him without any questions. There is power in togetherness and God loves it when we are united in prayer. Find your set of prayer pals who would go with you to that grim garden. Right friendships are so important for our personal as well as spiritual growth.
Prayer: Jesus fell to the ground and prayed. He called out to His Father and made His requests known to Him. It is so important that we pray without ceasing—relentlessly, without doubting God’s plans and purposes for our lives.
Power: Jesus knew the power of prayer. He knew that everything was possible with God, hence He makes that statement at the beginning of His prayer. Power of prayer is not only about getting a miracle in our troubling times but it also refers to being strengthened by His Spirit to go through the suffering.
Purposeful surrender: “Yet, I want Your will to be done, not mine!”—this is where most of us struggle. And these lines can only be uttered with the help of His Spirit. May the Holy Spirit strengthen us to surrender when we struggle to do so.