“How on earth can I love someone who constantly hurts me?”
As Christians, we are expected to love everybody regardless of who they are or what they have done to us. I have witnessed many who say they love me but I felt no love. “Can I fake it too?” Maybe I can; maybe I have.
Interestingly, it is more likely that one experiences hurt from other Christians or inside the church than outside. According to Dr Jamie William’s guide to turning pain into purpose—”CHURCH HURT” is an epidemic that challenges many people. Most Christians find their identity in the church; I am guilty of doing that once upon a time. I believed the lies that my leaders and people in church said about me. “You are not good enough”, “you cannot do it”, “you are in a season of hurting”, “you are not Spirit-filled”, “people don’t like you”— a few for the record.
I might have had struggles and hurt but I know for a fact that Jesus found the muddiest parts of my heart and planted trees. It is about time we respect the mud and water the plant; stop stepping on it and not letting it grow. We need to stop categorising people as Spirit-filled based on the way they look, talk or do things.
“The only person who was eligible to throw a stone, did not!” The depth of this sentence is just amazing. The writer, bluntly yet tastefully, talks about Jesus’ personality and also, profusely shouts the question, “Who are you to throw a stone at a sinner?”; all in one sentence. For those of you who did not get the context, it is the story of woman caught in adultery. It was definitely a major sin but the amazing grace that Jesus showed in the wreckage of adultery is just beyond words.
I still struggle in the area of loving people—the real love, Christ-like love. And funnily, I am mostly surrounded by people who enjoy throwing demeaning words at me. I wanted a remedy for this as this has been going on for many years now. And only recently did I understand the gravity of loving despite hurt.
So, I went on a fast for a little over two weeks because not only did I need a physical detox but also a spiritual and emotional one. But I wanted to do it right. So, I wrote down four focus points: fall, forgive, free and flee.
Fall: By fall I mean—fall facedown and repent! Repentance is central in Christian life. “Repent, then, turn to God, so that He will forgive your sins,”—Acts 3:19. I went through a phase of victimization, then vilification and then more vilification. It hurts—every part of me hurt. “God, I know that You are seeing this! Just don’t let go of me!” Always remember, the first day is the hardest—maximum physical and emotional attacks. By the end of the day, after a lot of inner battle and I fell facedown and repented. “God is merciful—He forgives!”
Forgive: It was time for me to extend forgiveness. IT IS HARD! —every cell in your body fights against this act. “But they wronged me, God; they do not deserve my forgiveness.” My small brain just refuses to understand how God operates and it keeps posing all these nonsensical and ludicrous questions and statements. Let us dissect the aforementioned questions. “They wronged me”—Maybe they did. But, who am I to judge?
Isaiah 33:22—“For the LORD is our judge. He is our lawgiver. He is our king. He will save us.”
I love this quote—“The opposite of faith isn’t doubt. It’s control.” I was trying to take control of the whole situation instead of letting God in. I forgot that I am His daughter. Someone told me that you’re in a season of forgiveness. Season of forgiveness? Really?!—guess what, “FORGIVENESS IS NOT SEASONAL.” You need to forgive every day.
Free: Believe it or not, there is always an umbilical cord associated with cycles and patterns of toxicity of the past. This cord controls the energy in one’s associations with people. So, when someone betrays you or hurts you, the same negative energy you experienced in the past is reflected, sometimes an exaggerated version of it. Time to break loose! And time to connect all your cords to the big generator, the super powerhouse—The Word of God. No power outage can disrupt the flow of energy in this case.
“All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness”—2 Timothy 3:16.
Your personal self-help book, life coach—everything is the Bible. I asked God to free me from the leash that this setback had around my neck. And, He did—He will do it for you too!
Flee: Now, the most difficult bit for me was keeping a check on my thoughts. My brain kept on playing bitter memories and I couldn’t find a stop button. I realized that it mostly happens when someone says trigger words like “insecure”, “failure” and other demeaning words. I kept going into downward spirals. Many Christians ask you to bless the person who wronged you—ideally, that you should do. But, don’t overdo it—that would just mean that you really don’t want God to bless the person but you are saying it because it would give you the satisfaction that you’re a bigger person, so on and so forth. Don’t waste your words, voice or energy on anything that does not bear fruit—a note to me and the someone who really needs to hear it. So, I decided to ‘let go and let God.’ I began to walk away or “flee” from unpleasant scenarios or conversations.
One of the important lessons I learnt in the process—“I am worth the price that Jesus paid on the cross; nothing less than that.”
God sees. God hears. God knows. And most of all, God LOVES. We are called to love the same way. We might not be perfect at it, but can we strive to be on the path of excellencewhen it comes to loving others?
Re–wording artist Pink’s lyrics—
Tear ducts and rust, He will fix it for us.
We’re not broken just bent, and He will teach us to love again.
Consider this:
They say, the best way to learn is from experience. Indeed, it is. So, here’s what you can learn from mine.
Fall in repentance. It is alright to fall because it is when you fall that you reach out.
Forgive without judgements. Jesus did, so can you.
Free yourself from toxic cycles and patterns. It is time to get into God’s rhythm.
Flee from ungodly engagements. As the aphorism goes, ‘prevention is better than cure.’