I was four-years-old when I accepted the Lord. An easy route, some say, as God was no stranger in our house; my parents were into the Lord’s ministry in Karnataka from the time I could remember. We had regular Bible study group meetings, Sunday church at home and cell meetings. So, God was constantly fed to me, not just on Sunday but throughout the week. I was taught to always do things that please God. I was doing what I was told to do without deeply understanding who God is until I had my first encounter. It was when I got chickenpox and was terribly ill. During the time I called out to God and firmly believed that only He could help me recover quickly. And He did. Not only did I get my miracle but also a renewed faith in my Father.
Being a pastor’s kid, I was pretty much insulated from, what they call, ‘the evils of the world’. I did what I was told, I read the Bible every day, helped my parents in their ministry in whatever way I could, never said or did anything that tainted their reputation, did well in studies and always tried to please the ones around me. Some of my friends, jokingly, called me Jesus Christ. I won’t lie, things were going quite well—my friends loved me, my parents were proud of me, other parents wanted their children to be like me and my teachers put the tag of ‘example’ around my neck. Little did I know that my bubble was about to burst. Suddenly I felt pressurised to fit into this super perfect template that people made for me. There were unrealistic expectations, a certain kind of behaviour that I had to portray; my opinions never came out of my mouth lest I go against someone or anger them in any way and lose my reputation of being a good person. I felt like I was under a microscope. I am sure several pastors’ children feel the same way—self-conscious, under pressure to put up a good face and, most of all, always looking for acceptance.
I thrived on approval from others; my identity shifted from God’s child to what people think of me. I was not being real—not with people, not with God. My walk with God turned stale and all that I did in terms of spirituality became ritualistic. But thanks to God’s great mercy, I was able to identify it and go running back to God, just like David. For a long time, my understanding of God was that He was a strict taskmaster, just waiting for me to make a mistake so that He can chastise and discipline me. My sketch of God was similar to my school principal’s picture—a big-built man with an angry face and a whip. I felt like I had to do something right in order to get approval from God just like the people around me. At 14 I had attended a Christian youth camp where I had a fresh experience of God’s presence. God had revealed to me during that time that I would have a gap of one year post my Class XII exams. I did not think a lot about it back then. It was during that camp at that I truly understood the fact that my Heavenly Father accepts me just the way I am—no tiny asterisks with conditions. After that, my relationship with God went to a whole new realm altogether.
This paradigm shift of understanding made me realise that there is nothing that we can do to make God love us more and there is nothing we can do to make Him close the door. Yes, it took time but once I absorbed the whole essence of the aforementioned statement, I stood in awe of my Father. No, He is not a God who is waiting to punish or condemn us for our wrongs instead He convicts us and helps us make amends. He is a good, good Father who gives rest to the weary, strength to the burdened and is close to the broken-hearted. He does not expect us to be perfect but He makes us perfect in His love.
Many a time things don’t go the way we want them to; it goes South when we want it to go North and sometimes it all ends in haywire. I have had a similar phase in my life when I was finishing school. My father is an IIT alumnus and I had the pressure to perform excellently well in my academics. Although I did well till my Class X, Class XI and XII were difficult years for me. I did not perform up to the mark and my parents were super worried. I struggled in Math and though I did well in Biology, I wasn’t very skilled with practical lab work. Just prior to my pre-bord exams my father had a dream that I did not do well in my exams and suddenly I remembered what the Lord showed me at the camp when I was 14, about having a gap year. And so, it happened—my results were not good enough to join an IIT. Things did not go as per how my parents and I planned it to. I was very unhappy with the results, saddened to have disappointed my parents and really unsure about how my life would turn out, one of those days in utter desperation I started to call on God, and He showed up! He filled me with so much peace that I knew everything was going to be just fine as long as I lay it all in His hands.
“For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. ”
-Jeremiah 29:11
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
before you were born I set you apart”
-Jeremiah 1: 5(a)
These verses kept on ringing in my head. God was not surprised by anything that happened in my life, He saw and He knew it way before. Yes, the season of waiting and looking into an uncertain future is nothing less than daunting. But knowing that you have a God who knows your past, present and future by your side fills us with a peace that surpasses all understanding. Our education does not define us; while it is important for us to get educated, it is not where our identity lies. The one year of waiting taught me a lot of things besides the part that my walk with God got strengthened with every passing day. My main takeaway—“Nothing can separate us from the love of God” (Romans 8: 38, 39). After a year of waiting, God opened the right doors at the right time. During the season I struggled, He placed people around who prayed with me and for me, who encouraged me and, most of all, people who kept checking on me from time to time. Ah! The wondrous love of God that carries us through the hard times—it is beyond comprehension. When I look back, I have countless experiences where God came to my rescue; some of which I acknowledged and others, well, now I know. I urge you to “look back in gratitude so that you can look forward in hope.”
Consider this:
God wants you to be raw and real before Him. He does not judge you neither does He condemn. Here’s an antidote for being REAL:
R – Recognise the lie. What people say about you is not always right but what God says is.
E – Encourage yourself. While we are good at motivating others, we do so little to ourselves. You don’t need any self-help books, the Word of God is the best encourager—meditate on it, day and night.
A – Ask. Sometimes we feel like God does not hear our prayers because we don’t see any change in our situation. But God hears and, yes, He answers—not the way we perceive things but He works in mysterious ways. So, keep asking and He will answer you.
L – Look up. Always look up to God. He does not lie, He does not have any vested interest. You don’t need validation from people—they are nothing but flawed beings. And why bother yourself with imperfect people’s opinions, when you have a perfect God with you?