Mrs. Crown of Splendour

(Based on You will be a crown of splendour in the Lord’s hand – Isaiah 62:3)

Worldly crowns, titles, honour, fame, wealth—I had it all, but never did it make me feel satisfied.

Billboards, magazines, newspapers, television—I thought this was my identity, but never did it make me feel belonged.

Beauty, talent, style—I let it define me, but never did it make me feel worthy.

Success, achievements—I thought it would complete me, but never did it make me whole.

And then EMPTY, I came before my Heavenly Father, and never have I felt so FULL.

Miss India Asia Pacific 2004—this was the title I received in my early 20s. An honour indeed but not the kind that sustained; it made me happy but not joyful. I kept searching for that trove of peace and joy; I had questions I wanted answers to, I had blurry ideologies that needed clarity. For a long time, I kept on doing things that I thought would make me feel complete but little did I know, at the time, that my identity and my peace come from my Maker. And after years of desperately trying to find answers, I decided to meet with Him—my Maker. It was in 2016 that I gave my life to Jesus and started to follow His ways; it was no turning back from that point. I felt free; I found my identity as His daughter. Before that I was a slave to the patterns of this world—addictions, toxic friendships, greed for material things and wealth, desperation for validation from strangers in social media and the list goes on. I was done with all the pretence; I was tired of fitting into templates set by the world. After I met Jesus, all the energy I had for unnecessary things was channelised to finding God; I really wanted to understand and experience His power for real in my life. This marked the start of my journey of reading the Bible, even though it seemed a tad boring in the beginning. I made a conscious effort to make it a discipline and I just knew deep down in my heart that eventually, it will turn into a delight. And it did. The more I knew Him, the more I was in love with Him. In the words of John Macarthur—“The only way you can be saturated with the thoughts of Christ is to saturate yourself with the Book that is all about Him.”

I started reading the New Testament because I wanted to know the truth about Jesus; I wanted to understand the freedom that I got on the Cross. So often, we tend to look into ritualistic traditions and man-made rules of Christianity that we forget about the grand gesture of love on the Cross. The objective I had in my heart was a renewing of my mind and my spirit. I wanted to thrive in my new born-again life and not be bound by things or principles of this world. I was desperate for revelation besides knowledge. “Open my eyes, Lord!”— I cried out.

Although I had been a Christian for a long time, never had I read the Bible with a zeal to know God or have a relationship with Him. I was always inspired by someone else’s journey with God; I was dependent on a church and a worship band to connect with God or rather, should I say, the feeling of being connected with Him. This made me spiritually lethargic and it was high time for a change. I did not want just a feeling anymore; I needed the tangible presence of God. I was desperate. I decided to go on a 21-day fast with zero distractions. I was a slave to food, sugar, and technology hence, I went off everything so that all my thoughts are on God. My spiritual hunger coupled with my physical hunger changed something inside of me. There was a shift—beyond words, beyond comprehension.

I wanted an encounter with God and I wanted it to happen organically for myself; not because I heard it on some YouTube video or a podcast. I wanted to be filled with His love and presence, firsthand—without any mediators. An adamant and tenacious pursuit—I was not ready to give up on God or myself. And at the end of the fast was an experience I never had before—the Bible came to life for me. I cannot put to words what happened that day; I was a new person. One thing you should know is that I had never fasted before this. Although I have attempted it previously, I would always give up and give in. But this time, it was different; I was headstrong, or should I say ‘Word-strong.’ I overcame hunger by declaring the Word of God—“I will not live by bread alone but by every Word that proceeds from the mouth of God” (Mathew 4:4). I was able to take care of my kids, home-school them, do household chores and even work out with just one meal a day. I began to experience the strength and power of God by walking in complete surrender and obedience. I went to dinners and lunches and never ate. And I must say, it felt good. I overcame the desire to eat and I firmly believe that it was all God. My hunger for God healed my body and my spirit. I desired for nothing but God. And at the end of the 21-day day, something came upon me and my life has never been the same. Although the word ‘Possessed’ is usually used in the negative connotation, I like to say that I was ‘possessed by the Holy Spirit.

Now, when I introspect, I understand why my life felt dull and the reason I was dependent on the pleasures of the world—it was because I did not truly experience the love and presence of my Father. Trust me when I say, that when you experience Jesus—His compassion and companionship—nothing else can satisfy you. But you need to go after it and DON’T GIVE UP! We want things to happen instantly, however, building a relationship with God, is a process.

I turned 37 this month yet, I feel 20 something. Interestingly, I have never felt more alive in my life. I am not searching for answers anymore, because the Truth has set me free. All I do is live out the Word of God—OUT LOUD! I just stick to His promises and try my best to consciously raise my children as per the Scriptures.

I can boldly say that I have evolved as a person in the past couple of years. From moments of doubt and desperation to seasons of transformation, I have seen myself grow—inside out. My relationship with Jesus is not just a meet and greet on a Sunday morning or about getting answers to my prayer requests, it is a Father-daughter bond now. He truly became a Father I never had; the One who told me that my past does not have anything to do with my future with Him. No matter what you have done or been through, it is all made well when you give your life to Jesus. Not a religion but a RELATIONSHIP, that is what gives you the deep essence of who He is. Majesty, the King of all kings—not a genie in the bottle to grant your wishes.

“How did this broken little girl, who had an identity crisis, become so alive in Christ?”—this is a question I have asked several times. I keep going back and asking God ‘what did I do so different from the many years I was a Christian; and that too, a good one.’ I loved people, I served at church, led a homegroup, but something was missing. That void was the tangible presence of God—an encounter. When I had it, I was awakened. I felt the Holy Spirit convicted (NOT CONDEMNED) me of my spiritual sluggishness. God is ready to meet you where you are but the question is, ‘do you want to meet Him?’ We have become so comfortable with life—fattened and complacent with what we have, that seeking God is just an activity done on just Sundays. When I started my fast, I asked God in my prayer time a question—“What do all these spiritual giants and leaders have that I don’t?” “Don’t we have the same Holy Spirit to help us?” And I got my answer during my fast—those people looked up to God for even the tiniest detail of their life; they gave Him time. And, most of all, they desperately sought Him every day.

Now, I have peace—the kind that surpasses all understanding. Joy—everlasting. And Love—unconditional. I am unafraid of tomorrow because of the Truth that renewed my mind and set me free. It does not mean that my life is devoid of struggles. Bad things happen but you won’t find me a complete mess now, because I know, for a fact, that my Abba Father has my back.

With every season of life, one learns better and then, sometimes unlearns, to be better. As you grow, you mature. You understand the power of the truth and how it deeply heals your soul—layer by layer. It is a joy that is inexplicable.

Like me, I believe there are others who have reached a breaking point—tired of the world and its ways. A point where you truly long for something deeper and this, only God can give you. Don’t fret, you are not lost; at least not yet. You are at the right place— a place where you can be raw and honest with God with no pretence whatsoever. However, relationship requires effort. God begins to work when you surrender and let Him take the rudder. Obedience comes out of surrender and this is a conscious change that one needs to bring about—a discipline that is so worth it. Although remember, both surrender and obedience spring out of love. When you do all things out of love, there is no twitching when God asks you to do something.

Come what may, God has enabled me to glide over it. He is with us—every second of every season. He may not make the sea of troubles disappear but He is will surely part it for you and make a way. Just keep trusting Him. We grow, mature, persevere and experience the miracles of God through hard times. In the words of James from the Bible—“Consider it pure joy when trials come your way” (James 1:2). The deep understanding of this verse has made me the woman I am today.

Time is running out , It is about time you run to God and REPENT! Because, the only way forward to a glorious life is to live it for God. From hating to read to loving it, I have experienced real-time transformation through the Word of God in my life. I have also started to journal my experiences with God. I pray with expectancy now and I recall His goodness in my life whenever I get a moment. When the going gets tough, I go running to God and just rest in His loving arms. My dependency is solely on Jesus now. Even for raising my sons and daughter aged 12, 10 and 3, I tread carefully after consulting with God in prayer. People take parenting so lightly sometimes, but God calls us to a higher level even in this aspect. This was not the case always though. I was embarrassed that I was a stay-at-home mum. I always thought I had to do something more significant. Start a business, build a social media platform and many other ideas of success. However, after my 2016 encounter, God strongly put in my heart that the field that I had to toil on is my own home. My stage is my home; my husband and my children, my audience. That is when I started putting my 100 per cent in doing both small and big things. I come from a broken family and I did not want to give Satan a place in my family. Today my family and I enjoy a connection and intimacy that is just beyond beautiful. I don’t go by the pressure of the society I live but solely trust in God for taking care of my household. I love being a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend and, most of all, my Heavenly Father’s daughter. While some frown at these titles, I take pride in it because none of the otherworldly crowns have made me feel whole. Trust me, I won a shiny one a few years back. Life is not easy; it is definitely hard. But, guess what, we are made to overcome hard things. Don’t be bogged down by pain, don’t be afraid of confrontation or of what tomorrow holds. It is all a part of His great plan. Just keep on holding on to Him. I know I did and He hasn’t let me down—not once. Trust His timing; He is bringing all the pieces together.