Dear Love,
A roll of fabric in Your hands,
Torn and stained, wrinkled, and worn out,
Yet You saw beauty in all the flaws,
Held on to it, no conditions, no clause.
Washed clean with crimson red,
Left to dry in open air,
the wait was long, but the stains all gone,
Yet that wasn’t it, there was so much more.
Darned carefully with the thread of hope,
Mended slowly, the stitches all bold,
Many said it can’t be made whole,
But You never gave up, You held on strong.
You gave me a shape, a divine design,
Cut out all the parts that weren’t required,
Slowly sewn, You gave me value,
A useless cloth made brand new.
Love, You saw what I could be and not what I was,
You waited through the process,
Love that did not pause,
I had anxiety within ‘cos it all seemed a paradox,
But You knew that it was all for a grand cause,
Now that I am a fully stitched dress, I know,
The journey can be long, disappointing and slow,
But as long as You are my seamstress,
You wait, You never let go.
Love,
The Worthless Cloth
Footnotes:
There was a long season of grief in my life—a time that never seemed to end. I was in pain, physically and emotionally. There were days when I would sleep at night hoping not to wake up in the morning, for I did not have the strength to go through another day of pain and hurt. It was a treacherous season in the dark valley. I had sight of the glorious mountains, but it always seemed so far away. And I reached a point where I thought I would not make it.
Depression—a word that was once a taboo but now, so commonly used, so much that it is misused. In 2016, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression. Most people, including family, mocked at me. Some said it is a demon, some said it is God punishing me for something I did. Some called me inefficient, and others said it is because I strayed away from God. Initially, I was not allowed to consult a professional for the condition as people said you can pray the depression away. While I completely believed in the power of prayer, I was hurt seeing people’s condemning eyes. This added on to my baggage. And I felt tangled up in cords of despise, guilt, lies, hurt, bitterness and rejection. Every move I made ended in a knot. I felt like a filthy cloth—stained, torn, and worn out.
This went on for 20 months, almost two years. In this period, I had lost friends, I became distant with family, and I loathed church and its people. I had confided my issues to a leader in church as per the advice of one of my family members. Little did I know that my story would spread like wildfire. Most times, hurt comes from within the church, not outside. And it was true in my case. Everything from what I said to what I did was used against me or tagged demonic by the self-righteous folks of the Christian community. It went to the point where someone said “You don’t have the Holy Spirit in you!”— I was torn.
Even my parents could not empathise with me. Sometime during this season, I saw a dream where a man whose face was like the sun, full of light, darning a torn cloth. The darn lines were visible, but He went on to use those as a base for His designs on the fabric. He washed it in a fountain of crimson red blood and the stains vanished. Throughout the dream, I kept asking, “Who are you?” and He kept telling, “Love”. After washing, He dried the cloth and turned towards me and said, “I am going to make something new.” He took the dried fabric, started cutting out parts and giving it shape, and began stitching it. The final product—a beautiful dress. He said, “That is you!” and the dream ended. This changed my life. I thought about it for days together and got the true essence of the analogy in my dream.
At that point, I knew it was just Jesus and me in this journey. Surely, God strategically places people around you for help but sometimes it is just Jesus and you. He used my pain, hurt, shame, and blame to make something new; someone new. The process of darning, washing, and shaping me into a dress was not an easy one. It meant patiently waiting, going step by step and paying heed to intricate details. God did that. He was patient with me as I embarked on the journey of restoration. For me, it seemed like a long period of time but for Him, it was all in the right time. My joy was restored, more than what it was before. And it was all because of LOVE that was patient.