Leave and cleave–setting boundaries with in-laws

Boundaries—a concept that took on deep meaning for me after entering marriage. 

Initially, I thought of it as something negative, a perspective often ingrained in us by societal conditioning. This perception tends to perpetuate through generations, unintentionally influencing our children as we unknowingly pass on the same notion. The primary area of challenge often arises within the dynamics involving in-laws. 

For strong and joyful connections with in-laws, and everyone else for that matter, it’s crucial to focus on setting boundaries. In Psalm 16:6, David shares “The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.” Simply put, God wants the places we call home to be nice and enjoyable.

Our homes are especially significant. That is where we build our families and create a special environment. When a couple ties the knot, they’re essentially starting a new family, and it’s up to them to decide how their shared space should be. This means they need to be ready to prioritize each other and establish clear boundaries with friends and family.Dealing with family can be tough, but it’s particularly tricky when it comes to in-laws. If they’re causing disruptions in your happy home, it might be time to reassess or even establish some clear boundaries. Remember, a healthy and pleasant family life starts with defining and maintaining those essential lines.

The struggle to leave and cleave

I may not be a family expert but I have learned a thing or two in the past couple of years about the dynamics of a family, especially when it comes to dealing with in-laws.

I’ve always felt like a misfit, not just within my own family but also among friends, in church, and even in the family I married into. Embracing this misfit label, I often found myself isolated, creating a habit of withdrawing before others could do the same.

Hoping for a positive change in my marital journey, I shared my desire with a wise friend and prayer partner, expressing my intention to “join this family with a clean slate.” In response, she gently redirected me, highlighting a profound truth about marriage:

 “you don’t join a family, you start a new family.” 

This concept, rooted in biblical principles, particularly the “leave and cleave” philosophy, applies to both partners. The word leave is one of the strongest Hebrew words meaning to forsake, leave behind, let alone, or abandon. The word joined is another very strong word in the opposite direction. It means to stick like glue, pursue, or hold fast to. God is giving you a direct command to cut the cord with your parents and to be glued together as one with your spouse, thus creating a new family structure independent of all others.

Despite my sincere attempts to start afresh, the reality didn’t align with the envisioned clean slate. The complex dynamics of our relationships played out against the backdrop of our shared Christian faith, with certain members even embracing the label of “super Christians.”

I understand that many Christians tend to present an idealized image of their families to others, often portraying it as a form of spiritual superiority. In reality, most families are far from ideal; even the “PERFECT” Word of God is full of “IMPERFECT FAMILIES.”

So, I want to be raw and share a chapter of my marriage that might resonate with some of you readers.

In this unfolding chapter of my marriage, my mother-in-law, the matriarch, claimed a position of righteousness, asserting her closeness to God. My brother-in-law, a pastor and her favourite, along with my sister-in-law, the pastor’s wife, added complexity to our familial dynamics. Meanwhile, my husband appeared to absorb the energies of those around him, leaving me feeling like the odd one out, isolated, often tagged unworthy.

Have you been in a place like this?
Have you felt left out?
Have you questioned your worth in the relationship?
Have you been judged for not being good enough or spiritual enough?

I am sure some of you must have, and maybe some others might be in the same family dynamics.

It took me two years, and multiple episodes of hurt and anger, to understand “boundaries” and how it is associated with the “leave and cleave” principle.

Without a shared understanding of boundaries between spouses, effectively communicating them to others becomes challenging. Often, we neglect to define our boundaries, only realizing someone has crossed them when tensions rise, leading to reactions of anger, withdrawal, or, in extreme cases, cutting off the relationship. Collaboratively establishing boundary lines is a crucial initial step. Pose questions such as:
-How much is too much to share with both sets of parents?

– How frequently will we visit both sets of parents?
-What kind of decisions require consultation of both sets of parents?

– Which holidays will we spend with each family?

– What are the expectations of our parents, and will we conform to them or establish our own boundaries?

These inquiries serve as a starting point.

What happens when the in-laws disregard or fail to respect the established boundaries?

When in-laws fail to respect established boundaries, the situation can be challenging. Let’s draw some inspiration from David’s experience. Despite facing extreme adversity—David’s father-in-law attempted to kill him—David consistently honoured Saul. Even when given opportunities to retaliate, speak against, or undermine Saul, David exercised patience and waited on God.

David didn’t insist on anything from Saul, yet he never compromised on his own identity and calling. An uncooperative in-law does not alter the fundamental nature of who you are as a husband or wife.

Michal, David’s wife, played a crucial role in supporting and protecting him. She went as far as defending him against her own father. While her later actions may have been questionable, her initial commitment to her husband is noteworthy. It emphasizes the significance of a couple walking in unity and supporting each other, even in the face of challenging in-law dynamics.

Anticipate resistance to change—I certainly faced some. In terms of our friend circle, I established certain boundaries that weren’t well-received by both my partner and my mother-in-law. It escalated to the point where she labelled me a “controlling wife.” Saying “no” to loved ones is not taken too well, especially when you have a ‘people-pleasing’ partner.

An in-law problem can sometimes manifest as a challenge within the marriage itself. Favouritism, intrusion, and other conflicts may persist when a spouse is either unaware or unwilling to address these issues.

While the love for parents is important, the primary alignment should be with your spouse rather than with the parents. When loyalty to a mate is compromised, it can indicate a challenge with the “leaving and cleaving” principle mentioned in Genesis 2:24. Signs of this problem include seeking parental approval or validation, hesitating to confront parents, relying on parents for self-esteem support, emotional or financial dependence on parents, or feeling responsible for the emotions of parents. 

Therefore, it’s essential to honestly reflect:

Have you genuinely shifted your approach in relating to your mother and father since getting married?

Are you more preoccupied with earning the favour and respect of your parents rather than prioritizing your mate’s respect?

Have you broken free from the influence of your parents’ opinions, or are you still letting their thoughts control your decisions, including those related to your spouse?

Most importantly, have you actively cultivated a new and stronger relationship with your spouse, one that takes precedence over your previous connection with your parents? Are you making a conscious effort to integrate your mate’s perspective into your decision-making process? If you haven’t taken these steps, they could be the primary reasons behind conflicts in your relationship with your spouse.

Marriage needs conditioning with the Word of God, not a parental figure or counsellor. Marriage is like a big cargo ship. It’s huge, filled with important stuff, and way stronger than we can imagine. But, just like a ship needs a rudder to steer, a marriage without the gospel can easily go off course.

Know that, in the journey of marriage, for every peak, there are numerous valleys and countless winding paths in the foothills. The gospel acts as our compass, guiding our marriage through intense storms, monotonous lulls, and tricky terrains, ensuring a steady course.

Consider this: This week, I urge you to consult God and His Word to truly understand boundaries. The Word, a.k.a God’s love letter to you, aids in experiencing God’s love through Christ and allows it to transform how you love your spouse:   #Firstly, the Word reveals that true love, the love that God showed us, is more powerful, costly, and rewarding than worldly alternatives. The gospel demonstrates God’s unparalleled love, empowers us to love similarly, and assures that loving according to God’s design, though challenging, is always worthwhile.   #Secondly, the gospel defines the meaning of covenant and outlines the potential when mutual love is guided by covenantal boundaries. Your marriage becomes extraordinary when both of you choose to love based not on performance but on the promises you’ve made.   #Lastly, the gospel can change your approach to love by filling your heart with grace, empathy, patience, and the ability to forgive.