Just be held

214 days—from the time we left our house in the UK to getting here to Singapore. A crazy, scary adventure, to say the least. 
Little did I know that my life would be on the scariest roller coaster ride ever. For most of 2020, my mind was cluttered with a lot of questions—how will the transition to the new country be? Will the kids settle there without any hassle? Will we find friendships like the ones we had in Rugby? Surprisingly, those worries did not even compare to the reality and the ordeal we actually went through in 2021. Honestly, I am not even sure how we made it thus far. But now, I can say without a pint of hesitance, that we made it by God’s grace and His grace alone—every step, every day. And He graciously blessed us with friends who stood by us through this tiringly eventful season.

Picture this: The scariest roller coaster ride. You are on it; not for a few minutes or seconds, or hours for that matter, but for 214 long days—this was what our past year looked like. There were countless twists and turns—notches much higher than the scariest ride you have ever taken. You take the smallest peak right before the roller coaster takes a plunge at break-head speed, much, much faster than you prefer; how the winds of change just smack you on the face. And the uncertainties! As your emotional ride twists and turns in loops with no control as to where it is off to next—sometimes backward and sometimes forward, taking you to unthinkable places. Sometimes, totally caught off guard. Quite animated, you may say, but this was exactly what we went through.

One of the main reasons we decided to move to Singapore was to be closer to our parents. I was looking forward to having my Dad visit more often so that Judah and Sairah can get to spend quality time with their grandfather. And all their grandparents, as a matter of fact. With my father’s sudden passing, that dream was crushed. In those 214 days, I dreamt of days where we could be home, have normal days—home-schooling, cooking healthy meals, cleaning, going on playdates. It was almost like knowing how our entire day would be. I missed my mundane for eight whole months. Don’t get me wrong, Thailand was beautiful—full of adventure but we knew that it wasn’t our final destination. There were a lot of unknowns that made our journey a real struggle. And maybe I will talk about all the different trouble and tribulations I went through some other time.

During this season, I was shocked that I could go through so many different emotions in a few minutes. I remember somewhere in our roller-coaster phase in Thailand, I just lifted up my hands in the air and lay it all down to God; surrendered every tiny thing. “Lord!” I cried, “I have no clue what is going to happen next but I trust in You. Lord, You are real. You are with me and my family.”

One of the songs in our playlist that has been on repeat is “Just be Held” by Casting Crowns. It was as if the song was written for us.

when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

We had to believe daily that our world is not falling apart. But falling into place. Letting go and letting God became the focus of our prayers during this hard time. In each new unexpected turn, we breathed out a prayer to the Lord—“Thank you, Lord, that You are our rock and firm foundation. Show me how to fall into Your loving hands and just be held as I and we navigate several life changes in front of us.”

I am not sure how many of you are familiar with the Biodome experiment. It was constructed in the 1980s in Oracle, Arizona. It is a huge glass dome with an artificially created environment. Purified air, light, water—the ideal conditions for plants, animals, and human beings. People loved living in the biodome for a couple of months because everything seemed to be going great. But soon they observed that when the trees grew to a certain height, they would simply topple over. It baffled the scientists for a long time until one day they realised that one of the natural elements that they forgot to replicate in the biodome was the wind. Trees need wind to blow against them which in turn causes the root system to grow deeper into the soil and helps support the tree to grow taller. Looking back, I can say without a doubt that the storms and the strong winds we faced in the last 214 days until we got to our beautiful home in Singapore—which by the way is beyond what we hoped of—made our roots grow super deep; not just for me, but also for Joel. Sometimes I wish things didn’t go as they did in reality but I am grateful that it did. Through the winds and storms, we were never alone, not even for a day. Forget a day, not even a moment. 

These 214 days changed our lives forever. Our dependence on God has been stronger than ever. Life changes but God never does and never will He. Our Heavenly Father guides us daily—one ride after the other. 

He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.
-Colossians 1:17

Challenge for this week—let Jesus hold you; rely on Jesus as He is the only one who sustains us. Everything is created through Him and for Him. We were created with great intentionality and purpose. He is in control and at work.

I am super grateful for the people who were with us and who supported us in this crazy journey. The ones who kept checking on us, not once but multiple times a day. The ones who prayed for us and with us; the ones who sent us text reminders that God is with us and that He loves us deeply. I am so thankful for my amazing family. We have been through a lot but I am so grateful that I get to do life with the most resilient set of people. I am thankful to be home; a place I have begun to enjoy. Also, the mundane things which I will never take for granted.