I do know that life is unfair, but do I tolerate those who use it as an excuse for their negativity?
I do believe that there is some good in people, but do I trust them?
I do sympathize when bad things happen to people, but do I want to face the reflection of it?
I do understand the meaning of forgiving those who hurt me, but do I really love them?
I do see, I do hear—I do
But, do I look, do I listen—do I?
‘Cos they say you see only what you look,
And you hear only what you listen,
So today, I might have questions ending with “Do I?”
But I do hope for a better tomorrow—I do!
When I said “I DO” last year, little did I know that, “I DO not know the real essence of this commitment.” Surely, wedding is for a day but marriage is forever but I had always dreamt of my wedding day right about the time I entered adulthood. Cinematic? Maybe not. But I sure did want a regal touch to all the details pertaining to the event. Though restricted by the Covid-19 rules, we got some of the elements we wanted in place.
And mind you, I had only dreamt of my wedding—just that day. I heard stories of how marriage is hard work and the infamous statement “reality will hit you after the honeymoon period!” In my case, it hit sooner than expected. “Did I say ‘I do’ to all this?”—I asked myself. Funnily, almost every time it is those outside your marriage that bring pain inside marriage. Relatable?
Rooted in my past were issues, hurts and toxicities which I thought I dealt with but I hadn’t. And this was dug up in my initial few days of living with my new family and, their friends. I said “I do” but was it to these people other than my husband? “Do I” really want this?
I do want my husband to be happy but, Do I want to be mocked by others in the process of doing so or be in this unhealthy competition of doing better?
This was an area of struggle for me. As a proactive person, I tried to take that extra mile to make my husband smile. But we were in a crowded house—with family and friends of family. So, everything I did was either made fun of or belittled. There was also this competition of who does better in making my husband happy.
I do want family but, Do I want to be close to people who my family tags their own?
My biggest issue—Lack of trust to a point that I couldn’t let people in. I always felt like people are plotting against me. And this bit burnt me. I always struggled with people—parents, friends, relatives. Memories of the times I let a few in kept popping up in my head. How they were all so pretentious, how they lied to me and how they betrayed me. Phew, the amount the self-pity I had! But, all of this pointed to one thing—a broken heart.
Canadian-Indian poet, Rupi Kaur, in one of her series talks about the heart—“what is stronger than the human heart which shatters over and over and still lives.” I was still collecting my pieces but it felt like every time I almost got it fixed, something that someone said broke it again. Notice, how “I” tried to get “MY” heart fixed—and this was exactly the problem. I was in the path of a temporary solution not a permanent fix.
“He heals the broken-hearted and bandages their wounds”—Psalms 147: 3
Short and crystal clear!
I realized that I was bleeding at every poke because I was trying to do things my way. A few setbacks made me forget the fact that He is “El Roi”—the God who sees everything. He sees my pain and all the bruises. And He bandages them too. But I don’t let it heal because I rip the bandages off every now and then.
I do want to be treated but do I really want completehealing? —I asked myself.
Healing is messy—and I did not like that bit. It took a lot to fully understand the importance of healing in my life. I thought I was fit but there were crevices and corners that were ill—it needed some cleaning up.
A wise woman of God told me that marriage is a refining process—it pulls out all the dark, dingy and dirty stuff from the difficult corners of one’s heart. Indeed, it is. We need some crushing, mending and rewiring in order to redefine ourselves as children of God. And God strategically placespeople around you to catalyze this process.
They will crush you, but you won’t be destroyed.
They will belittle you, but you won’t be worthless.
They will hurt you, but you won’t be unloved.
They will betray you, but you won’t be alone.
Say “I do” to the hope we have in Jesus. And ask yourself every once in a while—“Do I need people or Jesus more?” The answer is a remedy in itself.