A few months back, I got into a heated argument with one of my family members who is a devout Christian. In a spur of anger, this person said, “Oshin, you have mental issues!” Although, it was a silly comment to say in order to defeat me, it definitely hurt me more than I expected it to. Probably because I have been through depression years back and know that it is no casual thing to say or use as an attack against someone. Also, there was mention of a dream that was apparently God-given where I was seen denying my faith­–making it seem like God badmouthed me to this particular person. Now, let me direct the stage light to myself–my emotions were out of control. I wanted to win and I was ready to say anything for my win. Neither was I able to calm myself nor could I kindly overlook comments without retort. I was loud, defensive and reflected every attack on me with double intensity–this gave me a sense of control. Not very Christ-like, might I say.

A few days later, I did an elaborate dissection of my attitude and reaction, and let me be real here–it was hurtful and hateful. In my pursuit of being in control and probably, trying to control the other, I made some strong distasteful statements. 

The first step of sanctification is identification, and the second, repentance. Ashamed, I stood before God to seek repentance but I found myself giving justifications along with it. “God, I was triggered to say all of those hurtful things!”– you see how I conveniently made it seem like it is not my fault. Then the Lord gently reminded me through Galatians 5:22-23–the famous passage on the Fruit of The Spirit.

22 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things!   

The word, ‘Self-control’ was highlighted before me. Buckle up, for I am going to drop some truth bombs from the Word of God that were used in step three of my sanctification process–Correction!

From the above narrative, I would like to divide this article into three short lessons:

1. Words and the scars they leave

The Bible says it is almost impossible for us to keep a lid on what we say, according to James 3:8, which goes,

“No one can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

You might have heard that, words can wound people. Let me take it a notch up–hurtful words can also leave behind some tough scars. Wounds heal quicker than the time that a scar takes to completely fade. These scars stand as reminders of hurt, and it can often lead to cycles of further hurt. One can say sorry and the wound of hurt might heal, but a part of that hurt lingers on within the scar. Our words have so much power and it is so scary as to how much damage it can cause to another when misused. It is so easy to brush it off by saying, “I did not mean it; I said it out of anger!”                        

If only one could see the bleeding wounds and scars on the heart, caused every time someone says something hurtful.James 1:26 says,

26 If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless

Moments of anger can often lead to unwanted exchange of words, loud and accusatory comments and brutal putdowns.The other day I read a quote, “Training in volume control can result in peaceful relationships!” Maybe not literally the loudness element but surely, the need of the hour is learning how to lock our tongues, especially when our emotions are out of control.

Lately, I have been trying to practice asking myself five “Is it” questions before I make a statement:
-Is it true?
-Is it kind?
-Is it value-adding?
-Is it respectful?
-Is it necessary?

Now, I am still far from perfect but I can say that I hit the backspace on several text messages that I drafted in the recent past just because it answered ‘No’ to one or more of the aforementioned questions.

Having said that, we also need to keep a tab on how much we speak; it shouldn’t be way too much neither should it be too little. Finding a balance is so important but it is also beyond us. We need God in our conversations–not only to direct us and offer wisdom but also to stop us when it is time. Sometimes, the person who we talk to need validation and encouragement, not silence, but only God knows what they need, and how much.

Now, you may ask: What about overcoming hurtful words? When we are misunderstood, we feel hopeless to plead our case. 

Hold onto Exodus 15:2
 “The LORD is my strength and my defense ; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father’s God, and I will exalt him.

Our inability to filter thoughts or control our emotions is a cue to give it all to Jesus. He is our defense. It might seem like the answer to your questions is silence but press on and be patient. Recall who He says you are–Loved, Forgiven, Saved, Purposed and Unique.

It might not be easy but, it is necessary.

“Our inability to filter thoughts or control our emotions is a cue to give it all to Jesus“

2. Control and self-control are two different things

The dictionary defines control this way: “to have power over” something. Don’t we love a plan that keeps us on top of things–to be in control. And what happens when things don’t go as planned? –we feel disappointed, unfulfilled, anxious and even angry. We hate to lose–be it in our academics, relationships or even a silly argument. As humans, we love it when things go our way, when people behave how we want them to. Sadly, that is neither possible nor Biblical. When it comes down to it, God is in control of everything but we often try to assert our own control and defy or disobey Him.

When God said self-control, He did not mean “take control of everything”. Displaying self-control is often a matter of responding rather than reacting. When we react to a situation, we let our emotions take control–we become defensive and say hurtful things. Responding, however, involves developing a thoughtful response that is guided by reason more than emotions.

Know that self-control is not a result of our own efforts–it is a fruit of the Spirit. The Holy Spirit provides the power we need to overcome the temptation to blast in anger, to let our unreasonable relative have it or tell an obnoxious person exactly what we think.

Control is making sure that we get what we want, however, self-control is more about making sure we get what we need–there is a big difference. We might want to prove ourselves or prove the other wrong but what we really need might be some time out to think and cool down or reassurance from the Word of God.

Self-control is not easy–it requires of one to have a long view over instant gratification, perseverance over perception and intimate knowledge of self over assumptions of others.

It takes practice, and might appear harsh and unpleasant initially.

Here are two verses to keep in mind:

2 Timothy 1:7, 
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 

Proverbs 25:28,
“A man without self-control is like a city broken into and left without walls”

3. Post-mortem and purification

There is a cliché saying, “Don’t look back” As pleasant and motivational as it sounds, I urge you to look back today and do a thorough post-mortem of your attitude and intentions. We often highlight our negative moments from the past but little do we pay attention to our negative attitude. We live in a culture of glorifying pain, hurt and struggle but the question is,

“How can God heal you when you are still loyal to what is wounding you?”

I urge you to take time out to go through your reactions and its patterns, understand where it takes its roots and get onto the process of uprooting–remember, you need God in every step.
At the end of the day, everything boils down to “transformation of the heart.”

Luke 6:45 says,

⁴⁵ A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. What you say flows from what is in your heart.

Check what is happening on the inside! –there might be pieces of hurt and hate rotting in the crevices of your heart. Allow God to clean it up. Only He can do it because He is in control even when you lack self-control.

Myth debunked.

Note from the balcony writer:
There is a story of an overcomer inside each and every one. We, at Ela Koinonia, are so privileged to share our experiences and the lessons we learn, week after week, through our blog.
Keep reading, Stay Blessed.
Love,
Oshin